Ember G Writes

Hello everyone, hope you have had a great day/evening/afternoon etc. It is currently past midnight when I am writing this. It is one of those nights where I am thinking a lot and well, I am frustrated.

I am frustrated at how things have turned out for this gap year. I was originally supposed to be doing some sort of dancing, and I haven’t done anything. Dancing is something I have always done, I have studied it, I have performed dances, I have choreographed dances, I have lots of practical experience and experience in general… but yet it always feels like its pointless.

When I studied it, teachers put me down and said I wasn’t very good, others said I was gifted. I know dance is something I really love to do. I wouldn’t say I am amazing, I’m average at best, but there’s never really been an opportunity to grow and I haven’t had much encouragement for when I do dance.

I’m frustrated that I am so desperately yearning to dance, but knowing I will probably never get an opportunity that I really want to do. That I won’t have a support system in place, one that encourages me and teaches me. Maybe its because everytime I try to dance my confidence gets crushed.

I have felt like such a spare part, an after thought for years now, kind of forgotten and then suddenly someone remembers about me, almost like a “Oh yeah, you’re here to”. It’s frankly exhausting, I’m tired. In a way it is kind of stupid that I am feeling this way. I feel like I am almost sulking? My feelings are very valid, I know that but sometimes I just want to look into the sky and scream WHY.

Why am I doing something I never intended on doing? Why am I doing this year? Why haven’t I been able to do what I wanted to do originally? Why is all this happening? Why am I doing what I’m doing? Is there any point?

Youth & Kids work is extremely difficult. While with dancing and performing you see the end result, in youth and kids work you don’t see it. In fact you barely see any results at all, especially when you are doing it most of the time. As I mentioned before on this blog, I am a Christian, my faith is what keeps me going and I believe that there is a God, that sent his son to die for me.

That doesn’t mean I never get mad at God! There has been many a time where I have been angry with him, but God is God, he can handle a 21 year olds frustrations! That’s why I kind of find this whole thing amusing. Its amusing because I know HE can see the whole thing, even when I can’t.

I was lying in bed and was ranting to God about this whole situation, I was like “Why am I not doing what I want?” and I just felt him respond with a “Because its what you want.” He really does have a sense of humour, you can’t tell me otherwise! Its funny, because by my ranting he pointed out, it isn’t what I want, but what HE wants.

Sure I can have my own whishes and desires that God will give me at some point, if its what he wants… but who am I to question the person who created me? The one who created me with a plan and a purpose for my life. The one who knows my strengths and weaknesses when I don’t and can’t see them? Who am I to question God? I am not forgotten by him, and I never will be.

INSTAGRAM: embergwrites

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