Ember G Writes

The past week has been hugely unpredictable, I was going to work but then my start date changed twice. By midweek I finally got the go to head to work, but as the rest of the week foreshadowed, things didn’t go to plan.

It was my first day in a new school, first day under a different agency & it took me three hours to arrive, when it should take 30 minutes. The first sign things may not go to plan came at the site of traffic. At first, we didn’t think anything of it – it was coming to rush hour & the school run, so I brushed it off.

The further into the journey, there was more traffic & again didn’t think too much about it. 20 minutes in & lo and behold, more traffic… complete gridlock. The traffic was barely moving & on comes an announcement, a road accident took place just before we headed off. What an awful thing to hear about, the families involved & all the emergency services too.

By the time I arrived at the school, I was sweating from the heat & the stress of the journey. I signed in & got picked up by who I believe is my manager. I apologised a lot but she simply dismissed it & offered me a hot drink. She was understanding & checked up on me through the day, I felt like I couldn’t give my best that day due to the past few days prior & the day of.

The following day I arrived early & by the end of the day I felt like I was getting back into the rhythm of work. I suppose having a two day week after having no work for 7 weeks was a good thing. I’m due back on Monday I believe so hopefully I’ll start to get more comfortable in this role again. I am still looking around for a permanent job of course but who knows, this may lead me to a permanent role?

As I write today’s post I am sat outside, the weather is lovely. Nice & warm, sunny with clear blue skies. At times like this I really notice I take a look at myself, there is nothing to distract me & so the thoughts that I hide away come to the surface, just like the sun coming up.

I don’t necessarily enjoy being in my head & I like to avoid it as much as I can. As I was sat here, staring into space I realised how lonely I felt. I am not alone but lonely I am. I can’t explain what these thoughts make me feel. In all honesty I have been struggling with a few issues & I fell short again last night, I felt ashamed & have been really avoiding God.

But sitting there feeling lonely & ashamed I knew I had to bring God back to the forefront of my thinking. I admitted what I did how I felt & asked for forgiveness. Sometimes it is really hard to believe that I am saved & what Jesus did was for me as well as everyone else. We tend to look at ourselves negatively, the enemy comes in & says “why would he do that for you? Look at yourself! Be ashamed. He didn’t do it for an awful person like you. You are not good enough, you are disgusting.”

However God says different “You, are fearfully & wonderfully made. I knew you in your mothers womb.” “God so loved the world that he gave his one & only son, that whoever believes in him shall have eternal life.” There is countless stories in the Bible about redemption, freedom & God’s love for his children.

So take heart, God loves you with faults regardless.